Posts from — February 2010

I’ve never been to Vegas and have always wanted to go there someday.  I’m not sure if these rules below only apply in one cab.  I’m hoping they would apply in all cabs in Vegas.

So the rumor says Howard Stern will be replacing Simon Cowell in American Idol next year.  Howard Stern.  American Idol.  Teenage kids singing.  Damn..  Can you believe this?  I’d definitely tune in every night to watch American Idol if he were one of the judges.

He supposedly said he was also going to do a few changes in American Idol, making it more Stern-friendly show.  Good thing these don’t include strippers with huge fake boobies and scary midgets.  These are the changes he said he was going to make:

1. More Emphasis on Looks
“I’d be honest with them. I’d say, ‘Look at you. You’re out of shape. Go work out.’ […] It would sort of be more like The Biggest Loser and American Idol combined. I’m going to be frank with these people. ‘You’re fat! How many fat pop stars do you see?”

2. No More Untalented Artists Who Bizarrely Gain a Cult Following
“And these William Hung types who come in there and try to hijack the show — I’ll put my boot right up their f***ing ass. I’ll throw stuff at them.”

3. Taser Guns
“You know what I’m going to buy for my first night on there? One of those taser guns. I’m going to tase these little f*cks. I’m going to say, ‘You suck!’ [sound effect of screaming] I’m going to tase Ellen DeGeneres. [More tase sound effects] ‘Go ahead Ellen, why don’t you go do that dumb dance you do on your show. Why don’t you dance for us? Here. Here’s my taser.”

4. Less Seacrest, More Hot Chicks
“Oh, I’m not [going to work with Ryan Seacrest]. Because he’s going to quit. […] If I come in there, it’s going to be like the Exodus. Remember that? When the Jews left — where did they leave, Israel or something? Egypt. Yeah. They’re going to leave. They’re going to look like Jews running out of Egypt. […] No, he’ll probably go with Simon to [X-Factor] but I’d just get rid of him. Let’s get a hot chick hosting. Who needs him? I have better chemistry with hot chicks.”

5. Racial Profiling
“When that kid Sanjaya comes up, that type, I’m going to hand him a taxi driver’s license.”

6. More Brutal Honesty
“That Taylor Hicks, I’d go, ‘Dude, you’re going nowhere. You’re not going to Hollywood. You know why not? You have gray f***ing hair. What kid is going to relate to that? You’re a douche bag. There’s no way you’re going to Hollywood. […] Why would you come here and not dye your hair?”

7. On-the-Spot Career Counseling
“I’m going to have like a whole wardrobe [behind me]. I’m going to say [to the untalented contestants], ‘Do you know what I see you as? I see you as an usher on Broadway. Here’s a hat and a flashlight. Put this on. Now, we’re going to a theater and we’ll see if you can find my seat. […] Fantasia Barrino wouldn’t have made it as far. I would have handed her a McDonald’s uniform off my rack. [Robin interjects: ‘But she can’t read’] Then I’d get her a job at a nail salon. I’d march her right down to the nearest nail salon.”

I guess this explains why most of the roads in Washington, DC are still in a pretty bad condition hours after the snowstorm ended.

Eww..  I’m not sure what this thing is called.  Tacos Pizza?  Damn..  This just looks utterly disgusting.  Even looking at it makes me feel nauseous!