Category — Silly Work-Related Stuff

When you work in an office environment like I do, every now and then you get all these emails from Human Resources or the Management that sometimes make me think they try to imply something behind these messages.  Anyways, yesterday I found this posting on Maxim.com where they basically translated these office emails to plain English.  Some of them are really hilarious and honestly make me believe that it is what they’re trying to say to us!

You need extra money for the weekend?  Well here’s an opportunity for you to make some money..  And I assume it’s tax free!  If I were you, I’d ask for the picture first.

CORPORATE LESSON 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

CORPORATE LESSON 2
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

CORPORATE LESSON 3
A sales rep and a administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first!? Me first!” says the admin. clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”? Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

CORPORATE LESSON 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day? A rabbit asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

CORPORATE LESSON 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Most of my co-workers know that I always stress the importance of Power Nap. The Japanese do it, why don’t we? And look at them, they’re more productive than we are! I have even brought up this idea to my boss which, of course – as you can probably guess, the idea was successfully turned down.

So anyways, I found this article when doing my morning ritual yesterday – which is reading 20+ blogs every morning with topics ranging from celebrity gossips to internet marketing stuff (This is how I keep up with all celebrity scandals and at the same time educating myself with new trends and technologies in the online marketing industry). I copied this article off of http://ririanproject.com.

While small children typically take naps in the afternoon, our culture generally frowns upon mid-day sleep. However, even in those who get enougth sleep, many people experience a natural decrease in drowsiness in the afternoon, about 8 hours after waking.

Reserch shows that you can make yourself more alert, reduce stress and improve cognitive functioning with a nap. Mid-day sleep, or a “power nap”, means more patience, less stress, increased learning, better health, better reaction time, more efficiency and also many athletes find a daytime nap further increases their body’s ability to build muscle. Napping also benefits heart functioning, hormonal maintenance, and cell repair, says Dr. Sara Mednick, a scientist at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies.

A power nap, says Mednick, simply maximizes these benefits by getting the sleeper into and out of rejuvenative sleep as fast as possible. No surprise that Lance Armstrong’s coach, Chris Carmichael, says that “naps were critical in his overall training plan.” In Manhattan, napping has become a lucrative business: MetroNaps in the Empire State Building provides darkened cot-like redoubts that attract Broadway actors between shows as well as investment bankers who otherwise would fall asleep at their desks. And in Iraq, U.S. Marine commanders have mandated a power nap before patrols.

Christopher Ketcham at Men’s Journal has written a great article on power nap. And here’s how he explains power nap works:

Here’s how the power nap works: Sleep comes in five stages that recur cyclically throughout a typical night, and a power nap seeks to include just the first two of them. The initial stage features the sinking into sleep as electrical brain activity, eye and jaw-muscle movement, and respiration slow. The second is a light but restful sleep in which the body gets ready — lowering temperature, relaxing muscles further — for the entry into the deep and dreamless “slow-wave sleep,” or SWS, that occurs in stages three and four. Stage five, of course, is REM, when the eyes twitch and dreaming becomes intense.

The five stages repeat every 90 to 120 minutes. Stage one can last up to 10 minutes, stage two until the 20th minute. Extenuating circumstances, like manning the controls of a jet, aside, experts believe that the optimal power nap should roughly coincide with the first 20 minutes in order to give you full access to stage two’s restorative benefits. In addition to generally improving alertness and stamina, stage two is marked by a certain electrical signals in the nervous system that seem to solidify the connection between neurons involved in muscle memory. “It’s like a welding machine,” says Mednick. “When you wake up, your neurons perform the same function as before, but now faster and with more accuracy,” making the 20-minute nap indispensible to the hard-working athlete looking to straighten out his putter or baseline shot.

The only catch is that you have to carefully time your nap to avoid waking in slow-wave sleep (third stage), which can produce sleep inertia. So it’s better to use an alarm clock in the beginning.

So, how to get the perfect nap? Everyone, no matter how high-strung, has the capacity to nap, but the conditions need to be right. Here are some helpful hints by Dr. Sara Mednick:

1. The first consideration is psychological: Recognize that you’re not being lazy; napping will make you more productive and more alert after you wake up.
2. Try to nap in the morning or just after lunch; human circadian rhythms make late afternoons a more likely time to fall into deep (slow-wave) sleep, which will leave you groggy.
3. Avoid consuming large quantities of caffeine as well as foods that are heavy in fat and sugar, which meddle with a person’s ability to fall asleep.
4. Instead, in the hour or two before your nap time, eat foods high in calcium and protein, which promote sleep.
5. Find a clean, quiet place where passersby and phones won’t disturb you.
6. Try to darken your nap zone, or wear an eyeshade. Darkness stimulates melatonin, the sleep- inducing hormone.
7. Remember that body temperature drops when you fall asleep. Raise the room temperature or use a blanket.
8. Once you are relaxed and in position to fall asleep, set your alarm for the desired duration (see below).

How Long Is A Good Nap?
THE NANO-NAP: 10 to 20 seconds Sleep studies haven’t yet concluded whether there are benefits to these brief intervals, like when you nod off on someone’s shoulder on the train.
THE MICRO-NAP: two to five minutes Shown to be surprisingly effective at shedding sleepiness.
THE MINI-NAP: five to 20 minutes Increases alertness, stamina, motor learning, and motor performance.
THE ORIGINAL POWER NAP: 20 minutes Includes the benefits of the micro and the mini, but additionally improves muscle memory and clears the brain of useless built-up information, which helps with long-term memory (remembering facts, events, and names).
THE LAZY MAN’S NAP: 50 to 90 minutes Includes slow-wave plus REM sleep; good for improving perceptual processing; also when the system is flooded with human growth hormone, great for repairing bones and muscles.